I am realizing more and more that each person comes to this journey of life with a certain bag of tricks. Our educational background, personality strengths and weaknesses, energy level, family support system (or lack thereof), financial resources and a million other factors all play into what we do and how we do it.
Throughout life one of my strongest tools in my trick bag has always been a really high energy level. Friends referred to me as the Energizer Bunny who just keeps "going and going and going". Right now that is not so much the case. Due partially to an injury (Plantars faciitis) and burn-out as well as outside demands placed upon me, I have struggled with decreasing energy for over a year now. Whom am I kidding? It's probably because I'm just getting older, right?
Truth is, for a myriad of reasons I am confronted by my personal limitations each and every day. I don't have the time to do it all and even if I had the time I just don't have the energy. And truth be told, even when I could do so much more, it wasn't necessarily the healthiest rhythm for my life. A rhythm of regular rest, fun and mental downtime is critical to a healthy soul.
Those who know me also know that I love lists and charts. I organize and plan everything. I keep lists of books I want to read. Scrapbook pages I want to create. Gifts I want to make for Christmas. Places to which I want to travel. As I looked over my 888 List and the subsequent 999 List I created in the past, I realized that not only have I stopped running but I have also stopped reading. In 2008, I read 34 books (no where near my goal). In 2009, the number of books I read dropped to 14. I have stopped scrapbooking. In essence, I have stopped blogging.
The increasing realization that I just cannot do it all had me asking some hard (hard for me anyway) questions. If I can't do it all, how do I prioritize? What gets done and what doesn't? And am I going to take control of my schedule or will I let the tyranny of the urgent rule my day?
Two years ago, I purchased The Well Educated Mind. I knew immediately upon reading the first section that I needed - and wanted - to embark on a journey of self-education. I thereby ordered all of the novels recommended by Susan Wise-Bauer (Paper Back Swap rocks!). Yet, I haven't done much else other than wait for a good time.
I have come to realize that there will never be a "good time". Life will always be busy and there will always be things to compete for my time. For me it has got to be a choice of my choosing between good and better. The things that are occupying my time are good (for the most part) but often not the best for me and my children.
I have struggled this past year with the inner turmoil to do what others request of me and that which I want and need to do for myself and my family. I have been putting my dreams and goals aside for others because I can not do it all. This needs to change. I need to shift gears and change my focus. I need to begin working on my own education and thereby that of my children. I need to resume my personal quest for Boston.
The dilemma of being a wife and mother. As a primary care giver, your wants and needs are pushed aside in favor of those to whom you feel responsible (and rightly so in some cases).
ReplyDeleteI am a big big proponent of putting oneself first, not selfishly, of course. Only by reaching your full potential and capacity will you be in a position to empower those you love to reach their full potential without hurting/sacrificing yourself.
It makes some people mad :-) LOL... but that's ok. They don't have to get it!
I've been feeling the same way lately. And it's left me really questioning a lot. I feel for ya. But know we'll all be here to cheer you on!
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