A Little Self-Doubt

Okay. Some of my faithful readers are probably wondering "What's up? Is this a running blog or a parenting blog?" Well, truth me told, it is both. However, admittedly, I haven't blogged about running too much lately. Why? To be quite honest, I seemed to have lost my motiviation.

I've been bothered by this realization for some time. I don't know why I haven't felt motivated. My half-marathon is in just 2+ days. But when I look through my training log, I see a trend. In the beginning, before I broke my arm, I was consistenly training (running, swimming or other cross-training) 6 days a week. My mileage base was gradually building. I was excited, motivated and determined. When I broke my arm... things went out the window. Yes... I continued to train (cycling on the recumbant bike 3 days a week), but it wasn't the same.

When the cast came off and I was given the 'go ahead' to begin running again, I hit the road with a vengeance. I jumped right into my training plan where I had left off modifying only the length of my long runs. Then came the Horse Butte 10miler. I went in all pumped up... sure that I could finish in 1:25... an average pace of 8:30. Due to the terrain (hilly, single track trail, etc.), that didn't happen. Instead I finished in 1:30... an average pace of 9:00. This really frustrated me, despite the fact that many of my running/blogging friends assured me that running on trails is more difficult that on pavement.

Something changed. My mind started playing little tricks on me. I started doubting myself. I stopped pushing myself as hard as I had been previously. I started subbing my speed days for an easy day. I started to skip a workout all together because I 'just didn't feel like it'. My training log started showing 2-3 rest days rather than the typical 1. Yes, life got busy, too. We were out of town several times and running wasn't possible (Klamath Falls, Las Vegas). But even when we were home... this was happening.

It began to frustrate me. I've had it in my mind that for the half-marathon on Sunday (Eugene), my goal was to finish under 2 hours... in time to see my daughter run her race. In the beginning, I felt this was a reasonable goal. I felt confidant that I could achieve this because I had successfully run a 23 min 5K (not in a race but in training). Now, however, I am doubting myself. Doubting that I can maintain an 8:30 pace for 13 miles. This self-doubt is what has brought about my declining motivation.

Yesterday... when I dropped the kiddos off at a friend's home so that I could go out for my run, my girlfriend was all pumped up and excited. The day before she had successfully cross-country skied the 8K course for the upcoming Pole Pedal Paddle (she's on my team... doing the Nordic leg of the race) in approx. an hour. She said she was feeling confidant and excited. Since she took it easy, she's confidant she'll be much faster come race day surrounded by other competitors and feeling the adreneline/energy. Her enthusiasm started to rub off on me. I started to get a little excited, too.

I decided then, not to push myself too hard on my run yesterday. Perhaps I've just been pushing too hard. I haven't felt that itchy/antsy desire to run like I did when I tapered for the full marathon back in October. I want that feeling come Sunday. Therefore, I will not be running today or tomorrow. Hopefully, I will wake Sunday morning charged and motivated. I'll certainly let ya'll know. Wish me luck. :)